Endless Rain

2012-02-15T22:11:00.003-05:00

The slits of light cutting through the trees, appeared as time capsules isolated into themselves.
Each stream of light caring with it, all the dust of the past, all aimlessly adrift in a world not unlike our own.

How many lives were lived, and now consist of a mere transparent glim in my eye?
So too is my world, it is but a glim in the eye of another.

Restless wandering leads me through the streets
I know not what I am looking for, if in fact I am looking at all.
I can only understand the longing for something more,
bigger than what I have now.

I am sure I won't find it today,
yet my head can't rest until my muscles ache,
my head dips low
and my legs collapse under me.

2011-12-28T00:28:00.005-05:00

With a black pencil, I draw a silent drama, to hold you against the light in the cinema.

I sing hoarse songs there in a corner, just for you even when it gets louder.

2011-04-09T19:06:00.012-04:00

A flat-top forest stretches far in embroidered mist,

A cluster of mountains cool is tinged with heartbreak blue.

In vain her anxious thought for half a lifetime,

For like a disturbing dream at dead of night,

Like the thunderous collapse of a great mansion,

Or the flickering of a lamp that gutters out,

Mirth is suddenly changed to sorrow.

2010-07-25T12:08:00.003-04:00

I sit beside the window every evening,
looking at gorgeous sunshine, or amazingly heavy rain.
The world wipes out its superficiality, and shows the essence of the beauty.
Unknown songs echo in the air, empty hugs and hand holding regardless of sex.
And everything is just blurry.

The city is crowded with people and vehicles.
skyscrapers seem as though they reach the clouds.
Engine sounds destroy beautiful dreams.
Neon lights reflect into eyes, and brighten the city.
Roads and air in this materialistic world, dust can't cover the desolation.
Even if everything seems ostentatiously prosperous.

Small towns and big cities.
They stare at each other with distance, and lost in thoughts.
The quiet, the pleasure.
The prosperity, the isolation.
I wander around between small towns and big cities,
a crazy dream is hidden in my heart.
There is an empty city that belongs to me.
No people, no colors.
Some sad emotions, and loneliness that leads to perfection.
But it is just a dream,
kind of far away from mediocre me.

2010-05-13T02:38:00.016-04:00

One sunny afternoon in the heat of the summer .
The sunshine is so strong that it seems to break the fragile world.
I stand at the four corners of a road, all beliefs are destroyed.
Whats left is a long and lonely shadow in life.
In the deep of the shadow, some disappeared faces twinkle again.
The background is as dark as ink.
You are leaving. The shape and color of your shadow are fading into the dark.
But the brightness of your eyes and eyebrows are too bright to fit into the ink.

Do you think everyone's youth is like this?
To experience the ephemeral sadness and happiness,
like wild flowers,
on our way to emerge and perish ourselves, also decorated passers-by's dreams.

You once told me that we need to live as plain as possible yet dream as far as we could.
Though tomorrow might be tough.
I always think about it at night with violin music in the quiet, with wind dancing.
Every time like this I feel time flowing backwards.
The old days are like an oil painting from Cézanne,
gloomy and colorful, messy and beautiful.
No specific definitions, only showing the wounds and sweetness.
And Now when no one is around, and all the emotions and feelings only belong to me myself,
I still remember what you said to me before.
comfort from others is out at elbows, you have to take care of yourself.

When I open that door

I want to see the forever prosperous sight.

There are no so called useful stairs.

I cant sit by you with sad feelings.

I get out from the door,

tear page 252 from a book,

it says this with black ink:

Hey I can't sit by you with sad feelings

I can't sit by you with sad feelings.

2010-04-30T00:58:00.013-04:00

There is not enough time to think, every tomorrow already becomes today.
Drink too much water and coffee. Life doesn't have a regular routine.
Reversed nights and days, like every holiday.
Put my English vocabulary book under the pillow,
and now and then read Murakami Haruki and Marguerite Duras.
Last night the city had a horrible storm.
I fell asleep with the sound of rain and a violin from the neibourhood.
The sounds mixed together, like a piece of the beautiful harmony of a symphony.
Sometimes I wonder how hurt would the sky be to make it cry this bad?
The people were once on the streets start to run away, and then disappear.

The night is grey, the rain is trasparent. My heart is grey, I am trasparent.

Sunshine after rain. big city. clean streets.
outstanding girls with confident eyes. warm smiles.
Then I realized I am still the old girl like when I was in high school,
nothing has changed from that side of the world to this side.
I can never be as flamboyant and showy. Always as insipid as water.
And look at my other self die in the sunshine of summer.
I calm down, I nod. My sparkling lipquid comes off.
I got some brown eyeshadow into my eyes, and they hurt.
Like a quiet girl, I am never a gorgeous lady.
My eyes can't express my confidence, and my smile can never be as warm.
I am always cared as a child, not to be loved.

Not love. I might not be a lady even with the high heel shoes.
The high heels are too fragile to bare the weight of my broken dreams.
The end of April. Sunshine covered the city after rain.
The blue glasses of buildings reflect bright sunshine, to remind people in the city that summer has come.
I look at the white sunshine from the top of a building,
and don't know why about anything.

2010-04-03T22:26:00.021-04:00

I want to travel around, with some soft cotton dresses and a large camera,
seeking the ultimate freedom.
I want to hop on a train without knowing the destination,
to feel the sorrow of homelessness.
I want to wake up in the middle of nowhere,
to think about what loneliness is.
What is real leneliness?
Nobody listens when you want to talk,
or when people want to listen, you having nothing to say?

Sometimes I am touched by a single simple picture.
So simple that I can forget what it excactly looks like after awhile.
But the feeling still remains.
Maybe this is their charm.
Who said pale was powerless?
There is no earthly reason to always be hysteric.
And why does everything has to be colorful and gorgeous?

I stood opposite to you, listening to you play guitar.
That corner was your stage.
Even if the bright sunshine blurred your eyes,
and the sound of cars' horns covered your ears.
You still stayed in your own world and sang from your soul.
I was your audience, I stood opposite to you.
You described yourself not through a conversation, but in your quiet singing,
and I was touched by your little world.

2010-03-15T21:53:00.030-04:00

The plane passed the date line. I felt like everything was back to yesterday.
Time is just a blurry definition that may never exist.
But all the details have changed.
Ears hurt because of the distance between air and ground.
The pictures that belong to yesterday still remain in the brain, passing by like wind.

I miss the evenings of Beijing, especially in the sunny days.
Wondering around, there were cheminies in distant places.
School boys jogging around a playground in a line.
National flags under sunshine.
Bare poplar trees.
Little bars along the streets.
Quiet singers with guitars.

Sometimes, certian words are not precious anymore because they are said too often.
Like love.
I always believe that great love can't be expressed with words.
or It is not deep enough.
Look back, everything is like an illusion.
Love the shadow of myself.
Love to be needed and accepted.
Love the desire to be understood.

I know about the world--if the world makes any sense at all,
I expected too much,
thought too much,
dreamed too much---
but I never really fell in love with it.
I just want to look for a permenant position for myself.
Live, to live among people.
Everytime when I wake up to face the sorrow of an empty morning,
and become lost and panic-stricken again,
I know it's time for me to do something.

The surface of the ocean is covered with dim white moon light.
I look at the ocean and get lost in thought.

Eason's song still resonates in my ears.
The last night in Cheng du before I came back to U.S., a friend sang it in a small quiet bar.
All the emotions got released along with the words
One of the best ways to express yourself is to sing your heart out.
like no one is around.

Personalities

2010-01-02T08:24:00.006-05:00

A group of girls always exist, they never compromise and always use their own way to fight with the
situations that the world gives them.
Other people may use words like weird, crazy, and isolated to describe them.
In a very practical and insensitive person's eyes, how bad those girls would be?

But I always have a deep respect and likeness towards girls like this.
I love the girls with unique and different ideas.
Brushing shoulders and maintaining special eye contact reach deep in my heart.
How much courage do you need to live against the human tide?
Their facial expressions blurred, their smiles are pale under the bright sunshine. Extreme. chilly. Proud.

I hate artifical personanities, noise, huddeling together, gossip, and love of the huge ostentatious world.
How hard will it be to find a special soul among numerous vulgar people?

I used to read Pu Shu's lyrics aloud when I was younger.
A song called "mom and I" really impressed me.
I held the white paper with black ink under the dim light and read the lyrics, slowly.

"I dont know why to stay, I dont know what to miss. I dont know what to do here but getting old. I drank
so much last night, I heard my life burning. What can I do in this world? I asked myself, what can I do?"

"Mom I feel sick, in their world, life is about rules. It makes me unhappy.
Mom, you gave me life. But I messed it up.
They take a bus everyday between work place and home.
They care about food and wages. The truth is,are they all crazy or am I?"

"But mom you know I am a piece of gold, gold will illuminate someday, sooner or later..."

His songs were my compaions during my teen years.
About escape, hysteria, smile with tears, anxious, terrified, illusions, falling down, hurt, clean, simpler than a child.
Break the wings, and then fly again.

No matter what situation I am in, his songs are always with me.
He sang, "Susan had a pair of magical dacing shoes that can take her away form the tiring world.
He sang, "see I came for you, regardless of everything."
He sang, "we passed through a lady's warmth and tears, passed through the endless loneliness, sadness and happiness."

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T02:35:00.003-05:00

An other year has passed.

Time flies.

Merry Christmas.

2009-12-19T11:43:00.001-05:00

We are like two trains going to completely different directions.

On the process of getting closer and closer.

We are also getting further and further, sooner or later.

I know, I know

The feeling of alienation always exsits when I am among people.

And,

You took my heart and breathe away.

You took my pride and light away.

One time she got lost

2009-11-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

That autumn was as awesome as this one.
The fallen leaves were everywhere.
She was so happy to think there would be someone to walk with her from then on.
You two held hands, you looked away to somewhere far, she lowered her head to see your shoes.
Her black long hair looked like a wonderful waterful under the sunshine.

She thought you would keep walking till the end.
When she was confused, she would shake your little finger,
and then asked:" What should we do?"
You would always tell her where to go.
You were purer and cleaner than the water.
You were her hope, you were her sun.
You would lead her to the other side of the ocean.
You were her direction.

She walked for a long time, happily.
Then suddenly she found she lost you.
She lowered her head, only to see her own shoes.
She raised her head, but she couldn't find her direction anymore.

2009-10-21T02:07:00.000-04:00

In the show lie to me,
They say the more popular you are, the more you have to lie.
The same face can have various expressions in front of different people.
Pretend to be liked.
Pretend to have many friends.

The fact is
we want to make most people happy by lying and pretending
or just make ourselves happy by always telling the truth to ourselves?
If we choose the latter, more or less we would feel lonely and kind of abandoned by people.
For me losing myself is much worse than being lonely.
So no matter how much I am not understood by anyone around me,
I will always follow the light that exists deep within me.

The world is too complicated, and the society is too sophisticated.
Somtimes I think I'm a girl who is allergic to the real world,
trying my best to love it,
and also planning secretly to leave it and escape to my own world, my own insistance.
Nothing can stop me from living the life I want,
stop me from getting to a higher place than this world,
no matter it's poor or rich, ostentatious or wonderful, vulgar or noble.
I will accept it for what it is.
Even if it's just conjecture, just some place that only exists in my mind that I hope to surport my soul.
Even if the truth behind it is nothingness.

Now I'm sitting here in front my desk, drinking some water.
Outside of the window, a girl is singing

"As summer has gone, collapsed like a chair,like the heart of a bird,a bell in the air."

Long Lonely Tuesday Afternoons

2009-10-04T04:01:00.000-04:00

I used to hate Tuesday afternoons so much when I was in elementary school.
Because every Tuesday afternoon ,all the TV channels had no signal.
The screen appeared to be many quiet colorful strips.
I didn't know that was because all the TV stations needed to be fixed on Tuesday afternoons.
The only thing I knew was how much I hated Tuesday afternoons.
Every Tuesday afternoon, I would stay in my small dark bedroom, waiting for 6:00 to come.
When it started to get dark, at 6:00,the vivid pictures would show again.
I didn't really care what the pictures were,
I just knew at that moment ,I kicked the loneliness out from my heart and blood.
I became excited again.
Back then it was so easy for me to get the loneliness away.
I easily became happy for the small things.
I was not afraid of anything but the long lonely Tuesday afternoons.

The loneliness we had when we were young can never compare with the loneliness we have now.

When we were young ,the loneliness was the Tuesday afternoons,
but at night ,the signal would come back. Everything would be normal.
When we were young, the loneliness was some beautiful toys we couldn't get,
but when New Year or other festivals came, our parents would always buy them for us.
When we were young, the loneliness was when a few classmates transfered to another school,
but soon some other new classmates would join us, and then we would make new friends.
When we were young, it was so easy for us to get satisfied------
It was like walking in a long hall with many clap on lights,
we would get into the dark at times,
but as long as we kept walking by claping our hands,
we would see the light again.

The loneliness we have now is that all the clap on lights were changed into normal lights,we will never get into the dark anymore.
But when we look around, no one is here.

Autumn

2009-09-26T02:23:00.000-04:00

It's already autumn, a very beautiful season for memories.
I remember the mild and cool autumn when I was in Holland
There were so many golden fallen leaves on the ground.
They lay on the ground with a lonely posture,
waiting for their bodies to be crushed by the cars, bikes, and people's shoes.
Broken.
And then the city became quiet. The sky was grey.

Compared with spring bloosoms, the lonely quiet autumns are always better for me.
Walking alone on the street, enjoying the golden leaves,
It's easy to become emotional.

Living in the city with wacky dreams, sometimes I just feel so empty.
The reality seems to be too complicated at times.
When things are too clear, I just feel indifferent and bored.
When things aren't clear, I feel panic and worried.
The feeling is like putting headphones in the ears,
and turning the volumn up to the extreme, till the ears hurt
It feels like being separated from the world.
It feels like my existence has nothing to do with this world.

2009-09-15T02:40:00.000-04:00

You think you are special.

Or

You wish you were special.

When she saw your broken body , she cried.

But I said

Just go love yourself.

You will jump into a mirror-like lake on a warm summer morning

and fall in love with your own shadow.